This has been a long week.
A long, tiring, trying week that attempted to knock me down, but by God's grace, I'm standing at the end of it. Clearing out the debris after the storm, so to speak.
The past week was a battle for me. I got down on the vastness of this new life, how much I'm not used to, the areas of the city I still haven't explored, and even venturing out to stop and see some apartments, hitting me with reality that it's more of a process than I expected. That I have to concentrate on location, safety, distance around the city to various places, all the while keeping it within a reasonable budget.
Over last weekend and through the early part of the week I was also hit with a lot of lies, lies I knew as soon as they broke into my brain they weren't true. I knew these were falsities, weak attempts to take me down, but I admit they were hard to shake. They settled into the soil of my mind and worked their way beneath the surface, and I began questioning everything about my journey these past few months, began wondering how I was here and blue thoughts shrouding the surface of the sun. And I began to think of all my favorite spots in Wisconsin- Port Washington, Lake Michigan in all of its shades and settings, all the ball fields I knew like the lines on my face- and of my family and how distant we really were. It doesn't help that I still don't have a church or life group to get settled in, to learn and grow and fellowship. All I know is that the days drew long and listless, and I cried out to Jesus to get my eyes off of myself and move them to Him. Because He was my true source of comfort, even while my heart flailed and searched in every corner to show me something familiar and soothing.
I know I should have asked for prayer request to help get me through my mind and the rough adjustment to falling back to earth as my "honeymoon phase" came to a close. But I couldn't bring myself to share, and I kept grasping at the small blessings God gave me throughout each day. To see the glass half full takes more belief and faith than to go about the pessimistic way of thinking. It's a good life, and I know that in the big scheme of things I am where God wants me. He has a bigger purpose for me than I can see, though I desperately long to have my reasons for being in this position in life revealed to me. But I was reminded a few times this week that some secrets are the Lord's and He will reveal the mysterious to me when He knows the time is right. And all I can do is take small steps, one step at a time, and tenderly go about each moment reveling in its breath and all I have then is enough for me.
Why is it so easy to focus on the futile, depressing thoughts that appear for only a few moments when the rest of the time is free and full of color? Why can we not see the microscopic blessings that float around us all day and turn our attention so quickly to the tragic that rolls in for a few moments and breezes back out the way it came? To see what is before us requires strength and perseverance, and an abundance of trust to let light into our hearts.
I am going to make it a point to find the beauty in the day. To savor the small things, examine up close the tiny tricks of light that play across creation and be thankful, fully invested in gratitude and throw up my insecurities into the air to come down and shatter in crystal shards across the ground, freeing me to be in favor of the miniscule and miraculous.
Light come softly to those who let their eyes lean into the sky.
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